Yesterday

Not yesterday exactly, though it was a pretty good day in terms of how my other days have gone/looked/felt for the last couple weeks - I worked, then hung out with Brett, he made chili, and we watched 'When A Stranger Calls', one of the most awesomely bad movies ever. Also, we went to Best Buy and he got the new Mario game for his DS, and I got to play it...I might have to buy a DS just to buy that game. It's so awesome, I love Mario and this one is kick ass because it is new, of course, but the first couple levels are definitely a tribute to the original game. I didn't get to play long, and I was lucky I got to play at all. Brett kept saying I wouldn't like it, but he had this smirk on his face. He really just didn't want me to play because then he knew he wouldn't get it back for a while.

But now, for the real reason for my post, and why I am feeling so melancholy, because let's face it, talking about things when I am upset is how I sort them out and try to feel better. Since I do not have a subbing job today and literally all of my friends are at work, writing is the closest I have to talking, so here goes, even though I don't really like the idea of airing all my problems out in public (though I doubt too many people besides my friends read this ever).

I just miss yesterday and the yesterdays I used to have, before this all happened, because today I woke up feeling worse than I have in a few days and I don't know why. I don't know what makes this morning worse than yesterday morning, which I woke up not feeling too bad at all. Monday morning was worse than yesterday, but better than today, and I had a subbing job so that helped, though during the down time when I was by myself, all I could think about was what had happened. I always do that, I replay ever conversation we ever had about all the major life-changing events in my head, and it hurts so much because they're so contradictory. But today I woke up feeling like the idea of crawling into a hole and dying would probably be the thing to make me feel the best I was going to feel all day. I miss the yesterdays when I woke up knowing that everything in my life was happening the way I wanted it to and everything was good - not perfect, because perfect is boring, but good. I miss the yesterdays when I didn't have to worry about the future and what it might hold because I knew - not everything of course, but in general it went something like, go to Illinois, teach for a few years, get married, have a couple babies, live happily after all. I know you might be thinking, it's 'happily ever after', but once I read this book called 'Happily After All' when I was in 5th grade and the main character explained that happily after all is usually what you get and not the 'happily ever after' like in fairy tales, and that's always stuck with me for some reason, even though it wasn't even that great of a book. It was okay, but not like, life-changing. I liked the explanation though.

Anyway, bottom line, today is pretty bad. I had all these big plans that I was finally going to finish getting the apartment in order and everything, but instead I might just curl back up in bed, watch some OC, and not do a damn thing. On the other hand, maybe working on the apartment will help me snap out of this, but I just have no motivation at all.

Here's my song of the moment for therapy today:

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind She's on

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

OVER MY HEAD (CABLE CAR) (The Fray)

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